Skills we all have

Hi guys, I’m sorry about the late post, been swamped with school stuff but its all settled so chill, I’m here for you.

Today I want to share some skills I developed living in an African home, in my very own Ghana. And we all know that once you live in Ghana, wether you are brown, white (Is that racist?, now everything is racist so I have to be careful ;p), green(cheers Hulk) whatever sexy shade you are, once you grew up or spent some time in Ghana, you have them. If you don’t, you are in denial (its true because I said so, so there!) And yeah, we no longer do most of these because we are  “mature” but if the situation demands  it, these skills will resurface:

1)      Using church offertory to buy gum then telling your parents you dropped it in the basket during Sunday school with a straight face

2)      Dodging flying objects and quick aerial maneuvers:  in Ghana, there is no law (that I know of) that prohibits the beating of a child (sensible corporal punishment not the sadistic stuff that happens on the internet) if you talk back *smack* , do what you’ve been told not to do, *smack*, caught stealing meat  from the soup/stew (keyword here “caught”) *smack*, rolling back into bed on a school day after the sheets have been pulled off you *smack, smack* (usually accompanied with a waterfall of how you never sleep early like you are told to because of your phone and now you can’t wake up) Now 80% of the people I know have had something,( usually a slipper) thrown at them because lets face it, parents are getting old and they don’t want to stop their favorite past time and all those people, including me, know how to dodge them, and do some acrobatic skills to dodge the hand that will try to grab you after since the IFO (identified flying object) was just a decoy. Now two things happen at this point that will determine the next few minutes in the house. You can choose to run out of the house, and we all know you have nowhere to hide because parents are very patient (it takes a lot of patience to raise a child like you, yes you), they will wait for you in front of the gate. Or, you can “allow” them to catch you, either way your  a** will be whupped.(at least the second part applied to me at a point in my life when I was a sissy)

 we've all been here before

if my mum had this...

3)      Running after trotros : no matter how much you lie to yourself, you have chased a trotro before, if you really haven’t, my heart goes out to you, you’ve missed out on a great part of growing up(go and stand at a bus stop and chase one, after that come back and join us, we’ll be waiting). See the thing about Ghanaians chasing cars is the basic rule you learn after day one “every man, woman and child for himself” no mercy for the cripple (bad joke…sorry *smacking the back of my hand, “naughty girl, shame” ) Make no mistake though, it’s not always like this, chasing cars only happen when its late and there are no cars, or when there are a lot of people waiting for them, especially when people have closed from work. Now after you get in the car, hopefully all your friends made it in, then you all sit on one person and when the mate asks how many you are you say one and pay for just one seat (because you spent all your money on sweets and gum and fanpop ) and ignore the mate’s glares all through the trip.

ok this is just too much, i had to share it...look at the woman  in the middle,  has anyone experienced this before?  

4)      Bargaining:  almost everyone I know knows how to bargain, and the greater your bargaining skills, the deeper my respect for you.  In Ghana we bargain for everything that isn’t in an air conditioned store with security cameras and price tags fixed on it and trotros, we don’t bargain for trotros,( you just complain about the price but pay anyway). What I really love is the stories people can come up with, especially when you are bargaining with a taxi driver, it’s like a contest to see who has the best sob story, winner gets their preferred price, most of the time though it ends in a truce and you pay half. Now if you don’t know how to bargain, I got you, will give you a quick tutorial (its all in English so my non twi speaking  readers can understand, but I prefer doing all this in twi,its more fluid so twi speakers, you can translate):  

Me *stopping a taxi*: I’m going to the Tigo office at Accra, how much is it

Driver:  How much do you want to give me

Me: you have to tell me the price so I can decide if I can go

Driver: GHS 15

Me: what????!!!!! GHS 15, why don’t you want me to go home today? Do you want me to sleep there? (I have more than enough to pay but this is GH, you don’t just agree, you bargain)  I’ll give you GHS 5, it’s not that far and there’s no traffic.

Driver: oh, I can’t, it’s too small, you know the price of fuel has increased, and these politicians aren’t doing anything about it so we are suffering (going on and on with his rant)                                     

Me: ok I’ll give you GHS 7, its all I have, if I give you anymore, I will sleep there today (at this point, I make a sad face and start sighing)

Driver: oh GHS 7, hmm it’s not good oo

Me: then it’s ok, thank you very much, God bless you (pretending to step away from the car knowing he will call me back)

Driver: ok, you sit down and let’s go.

(When we get to the place, I give him a GHS20 bill and take my change, like a “bawse”,)

5)      Chimp3/ Kyemup3 and Kyindanho : this is a game we all played in school, it was a game that never ended, in the words of one of my crazy friends Jim :” Kyemup3(equal division of whatever you have) is a game in Ghana played by children where if you are found eating food or ice-cream or anything of interest,  you will be told Chimp3 and you’ll have to share it equally with the one who said the chimp3. To avoid this, you have to hide from them and eat or say ‘no chimp#’ in their hearing or with witnesses around”

 “Kyindanho (go around the house) is another type but in this case if you are caught with the food, you give it to the person who caught you, and you go round the building as fast as you can whilst the person eats as fast as possible. If you get back on time, you reclaim your food, if not, sorry for you”

Disclaimer: 1) the taxi driver may leave you behind and pick someone else

2) not all parents will wait for you at the gate, some will employ your neighbors, neighborhood boys and even the woman in her shop you just run by to catch you and whe you are caught...you don die.

3) playing Chimp3 may leave you hungry
4) I do not own any of the pictures  used, found them and decided to share, if they belong to you and you want them taken down, let me know via email. 

When roaches attack!

Sometimes a little nonfa goes a long way to make someones day, let me make yours. I hate roaches, and if I do come across one, I will run. Run for the hills and never look back. Run like the Ex-laxed Finch. When I happen to come across a piece of it, like a wing or leg or something (my skin is crawling just typing this) that  vicinity will be deleted from my daily route, even if it’s the shortest way to wherever I’m going , that’s just how bad it is. (Quick question, are shrimps the insects of the sea?)

Now when ending the existence of such creatures, you cannot just squish them, there’s much more to it than that. You have to plan ahead and be at least six steps ahead of those nefarious creatures. All escape routes must be open and free of anything that will slow you down because when your slipper or other available weapon of destruction misses, that roach will come at you like Miley’s tongue, its going to go all out.

And you know the scariest part about all this? When you look away for a moment and it disappears. You can’t find it anywhere, that’s when you know that s**t just became real, because at that point, you’ll be playing multiple conclusions in your head, and if your brain is filled with cartoon violence and horror movie data like mine, then you keep looking behind you to see if a giant momma roach is behind you or you start rubbing your nose like a coke addict hoping nothing is going to crawl out. And let’s face it, if you meet it again later in the day, you will run screaming because you know it’s coming for revenge and to those who say;

“You are bigger than it, it’s more afraid of you than you are of it”

“You are bigger than e-coli”

Suck on that.

Disclaimer: Being a vegetarian, I do not endorse meat, but if you do eat it, please make sure its cooked well.

No roaches were harmed in the making of this post.